Sakit na Kalimot

Ano nga ba sasabihin ko? Ayun,naalala ko na…
Madalas ka bang makalimot? Ako,oo.Maraming beses na.Madalas nalilimutan ko saan ko nailagay ang susi… Minsan pati wallet nawawaglit. Kapag nalimutan kong ilagay sa bag at nailapag kung saan,asahan mo , kaytagal ng hanapan. Nagmanhik manaog na ko at nahalungkat ang mga gamit…ayun,andun lang pala sa tabi ng computer…Kasi naman,ang hilig maglapag ng gamit kung saan- saan…
“Ay malapit na ang bertdey ni Kwan”, kapag nakita ko sa diary calendar na may magdaraos ng kaarawan. Sa mismong araw ng kapanganakan, ayun, at akin nang nakalimutan batiin…kailangan pang ipaalala ng kasamahan na bertdey ni ganito… Hay! kaya madami ang nag –aaway na mag –asawa o magsyota minsan,dahil nakalimot sa bertdey..nangyari na ba sa yo yan?
“Teka lang, kilala kita,pero…ano nga bang pangalan mo?” tanong mo sa nakasalubong sa mall o sa kalye na pamilyar sa yo ang mukha. “Saan ba kita nakasama dati?” Nakatutuwang isipin na naalala natin ang mukha pero hindi maapuhap ang pangalan. Kapag nasabi na ang pangalan, sagot ay” Oo nga,ikaw si ano. Pasensya ka na malimutin na kasi ako”. Madalas itong mangyari sa akin,matandain ako sa mukha pero ang bilis kong makalimot sa pangalan. Nakakahiya man aminin,madalas hindi na lang ako bumabati dahil hindi ko maalala ang pangalan,o isang matipid na ngiti na lang.
Hindi rin ako matandain sa edad. Marahil sa mabilis na paglipas ng panahon,nakakalimutan ko ang edad ko kapag may nagtanong. Madalas ,humihinto ako at nag-iisip bago sumagot.
Nangyari na ba ‘yo ,na minsan meron kang gagawin pero nalilimutan mo kung ano ‘yon? Sa akin, madalas. Kapag mayron akong kukunin na isang bagay,minsan napapaisip pa ko..” Ano nga ba’ng kukunin ko?
Nalimutan mo na ba ang password mo? Hay,kailangan ko pang gumawa ng listahan para lang matandaan ang mga passwords ko. Sa dami naman kasi ng accounts sa kung anu-anong social networking sites,lagi na lang ako na invalid password kapag walang kodigo.
Ah..bakit ba ganon? Dala na ba ito ng katandaan? O sa dami ng iniisip ko kaya madalas akong makalimot? Minsan tuloy,nahihiya na ko sa sarili ko,kasi ang feeling ko ang tanda- tanda ko na dahil sa sakit na kalimot. Marahil,kailangan ko na ng reminder para makaalaala. O kaya naman,e,”post it” para lagi kong nakikita o listahan ng mga bagay na gagawin o bibilhin.
Ang alam ko meron pa akong gagawin… Ano nga ba yun? Bukas na nga lang…antok na ko.
Konti lang ang lumalabas na ideya… kulang pa…bukas na lang uli, dadagdagan ko. Mag-iisip ako mamayang gabi….sana lang maalala ko pa bukas…

Hinagpis ng Puso

Hindi ka man lang nagpaalam
Lumisan nang gano’n na lang
Ako ba’y may kasalanan
Bakit ako’y iniwan?

Hindi ko man lang nasabi
Saloobin kong nakubli
Hindi ko man lang naisawalat
Damdamin kong nagulat

Nag uumapaw sa sakit
Napakahapdi at pait
Nararamdaman kong pangungulila
Sa akin ay pasakit

Bumuhos na ang luha
Hindi pa rin mahugasan
Hindi pa rin maibsan
Sakit na nararamdaman

Saang sulok magkukubli?
Kanino tatakbo?
Kanino masasabi?
Itong nararamdaman

Paga na ang mata sa luha
Pagod na sa pagyupyop
Salat na ang damdamin
Hungkag na ang puso

Bagaman nalulumbay
At wala nang kaagapay
Kailangang magparaya
Kailangang ipabuya

Sa akin man ay sakit
Sa iyo ay kaligayahan
Sa akin man ay pagdurusa
Sana sa paglisan
Kapayapaan ang hantungan
Paalam….

Sometimes We Love

Sometimes we love...

No matter what the cost

No matter what it takes

Sometimes we love...

' Til our hearts would burst

' Til our minds go berserk

Sometimes we love...

Though we may be fooled

Though we may be hurt

Sometimes we love...

Even though unrequited

Even though denied

Sometimes we love...

Too much there is none left for ourselves

Too much we'd give up everything

Sometimes we love...

Mindlessly, recklessly

Shamelessly, wantonly

Passionately, devotedly

Sometimes we love...

Happiness is boundless

Everything is timeless

Sometimes we love...

Like the fleeting wind blowing over

Like the tide coming and going

Sometimes we love...

' Til the memories last forever

' Til our spirits have crossed over

My Friend LIZ

I first met Liz in the summer of 1991 when I was about to take an exam for my first job at Fil-Cartoons. We sat near each other and got to talk.. I told her about an accident I had that morning on my way to the office, I was hit by a Ford Fiera . I had to be brought to the Emergency Room of the newly built Medical City. Fortunately, I only sustained bruises on my knees and right elbow, no broken bones although my muscles were sore and I could hardly move them. I still decided to take the test , so I asked the driver who hit me to take me to Fil-Cartoons. I came in late but they still allowed me to take it. I don’t know how I managed to go through the exam with my mind groggy and my body in pain. After the test, I had to go to the Philippine General Hospital to file for a Medico Legal, just in case something terrible happened to me, I have a record to prove it. Liza was kind enough to offer to go with me but I declined. I mustered enough courage to go alone and go through the same process of check-up and filling –up forms, and then went home to Laguna. The next day , I couldn’t get out of bed , my whole body was in pain specially around the hips and movement was an ordeal. The pain abated after more than a week.

When I reported on the first day of training, Liz asked about my condition and I told her I was fine. We became constant companions from then on. We always took our break time and lunches together during the training period. We hit it off immediately because she was really nice and funny.She was matured beyond her age because she got married early, so she became my confidante in matters of the heart. I was naive then, and wasn’t into romantic relationships. She was the one who constantly teased me about guys who liked me or she thought were interested in me. We had fun together,we went out with other office mates and spent overnights at the office to meet the quota.

If I remember it right, she only stayed for a year at the office because there was no one to take care of her child and she was having marital problems. She opted to resign and stay home. We still kept in touch . When she gave birth to her second son Ziggy , she asked me to be his godmother. Over the years, we managed to call and to get together once in a while to catch up on each others' lives. I stayed overnight in her house on some occasion . Whenever I had problems,she was always there to listen. She was always on the look out for “dates” for me. She made me go on blind dates with her friends. She made a joke that if it were possible, she wanted me to be her sister-in-law. She was always concerned about my love life or the lack of it. We watched movies, sang in their videoke, ate out and talked a lot. She was very generous with her time and gifts for me.On one of my birthdays, she gave me a dress, a blouse, a bottle of expensive cologne and a bar of chocolate, all at the same time. And when they had a vacation house built with a pool, she wanted us to go there but I never had the time or our schedules don't meet.

In 2004, we lost touch when my cellphone was stolen. I had a new number but I couldn’t get in touch because all my list of contacts were gone. Unfortunately, I didn’t make a copy on a notebook, it was all in the SIM card that was stolen. Years passed by unnoticed and I wasn’t able to visit her place anymore. I would remember her birthdays but never had the time to visit. Her birthday is on the same day as that of my nephew’s. She was just there at the back of my mind.

Last year, when I had internet installed in my computer, I searched for her in Friendster and then in Facebook, but I couldn’t find her. My predicament was that,“what if she has changed names or used an alias?” then it is impossible to find her. Also, I don’t know how to type the Spanish “n” to spell her name correctly. I thought I couldn’t find her name because of misspelling. My network of friends was growing, I searched from the list of common friends for her name but to no avail.

Last Wednesday night (June 16), I searched the name Ziggy Flameno, her son, in Facebook. I was so happy to find him all grown up in his picture. I searched in his list of friends, I saw his aunt’s name but not his mom’s ,and this puzzled me.I wrote him a message asking about his mom and gave him my number. After writing, I decided to check his aunt’s page and scrolled her list of friends…. No Liz…. I took a look at her pictures… And Liz was there… The label of the album was “ Remembering Liz ( 1969-2009)”. I was shocked! I was numb and confused! I checked her pictures but nothing there indicated what had happened. That night I couldn’t sleep, wondered over again and again what could have happened…

Thursday night, Ziggy texted me saying her mom passed away last year. She was hit by two cars, one after another. She was brought to the hospital but was not attended to properly. She was in the Emergency Room for six hours and only later transferred to the Intensive Care Unit. Ziggy said she fought hard for her life…. She died on July 3, 2009. Her birthday is on July 28th. She didn’t reach her 40th birthday…..

I didn’t get much detail about her death but I’m grateful to Ziggy for providing the information. He said he didn’t know how to contact her friends because she did not have a Friendster or a Facebook account.

I cried last night… I am crying now as I write this… I am sad I lost a very good friend of mine. I am sad I didn’t even get the chance to see her when she was still alive. I regret those times when I thought of her and didn’t even make an attempt to visit or keep in touch…I wish I did….

Paano

Sa bawat segundo
Sa bawat sandali
Sa bawat oras
Sa bawat araw
Naghihintay ako
Sa bawat sulok
Ng lupa
Ng langit
Ng karagatan
Sa bawat paglingon
Sa bawat pagtingin
Hanap ang piling mo
Sa bawat makilala
Sa bawat makasalamuha
Sa bawat makaulayaw
Hanap ang mukha mo
Sa bawat kasiyahan
Sa bawat halakhak
Sa bawat kalungkutan
Sa bawat pagluha
Hanap ay pagdamay mo
Sa bawat haplos
Sa bawat yakap
Sa bawat halik
Hanap ang init mo
Paano na …
Kung wala na sa piling mo?
Kung iba na ang mahal mo?
Kung wala ka na sa tabi ko?
Paano na ako?

This Feeling

This feeling I can’t comprehend
Why do I have to feel this?
A loneliness brought by your absence
An emptiness
A gaping hole
Searching for fulfillment
My soul yearns
For the moment you will be here
My spirit shouts
For your heart to feel
I am drowning
Emptiness engulfing
I can’t understand
How can it be like this?
Only you can fill
Only you can still
The heart and the soul
Only you can fill…..

Scratch Paper

Sa iyo nagsisimulang tumubo
Hanggang magkasanga
Ideyang naglalaro sa malikot na isip at diwa

Sa iyo nagsisimulang mabuo
Sari-saring salita at talata
Kwentong pinagtagni tagni ng buhay at pag -asa

Sa iyo nagsisimulang gumalaw
Alumpihit na kamay at lapis
Nagsimulang magkahubog at magkahugis
Larawang nais iguhit at ipinta

Sa iyo naibubuhos
Hinagpis at pagpupuyos
Pati pagkakamali
Walang paghuhusga at pagkukunwari

Tinatanggap bawat dagok
Panggigigil at pighati
Pagbuhos ng ngitngit
Luhang kaypait
Tagaktak ng pawis
Sa bawat katagang naisulat sa galit

Sa iyo naibubulalas
Kaligayahang nag-uumapaw
Sa iyo naibabahagi
sikretong walang may alam
Sa iyo naipapa-alaala
Bagay na maaaring malimutan
Sa iyo’y nasasabi lahat ng kasiyahan

Bawat kinikimkim, bawat saloobin
Bawat alaala, bawat pag –ibig
Bawat kwento , bawat karanasan
Bawat paglalakbay, bawat narating
Sa manipis mong katawan
Diwa’y nagkalaman
Nagkahubog, nagkabuhay
Umani ng papuri at kaligayahan